Monday, August 24, 2020

Scenes from Another World: 8.23.2020

    This place is almost classically remote, only accessible via a small offroad vehicle or on foot. Everyone in town knows to turn their heads when families or groups of travelers, clothed in mist and otherworldly garb, slip between the trees in a local park. From there, the trail grows narrower and more absurd, and patches of random seasons appear during the hike. Children stuck on this trek catch snowflakes on their tongues or stomp in unexpected puddles, overjoyed at the absurdity of it all. Their parents stare ahead, often so accustomed to this journey that it no longer fazes them.

    After what seems like forever, the trees-- now gathered in a crown far beyond their reach-- have a break in their endless wall. Those who know the landscape are relieved, for they know it's not just a clearing. Almost immediately, the travelers find cobblestone beneath their feet and breathe a sigh of relief. Their journey is almost over.

    Someone usually stands near the edge of the pit, dressed like this weary band and smiling. Bells ring somewhere in the pit's mirage-like darkness, and everyone rejoices. Their friends are home; their families are home.

The children are so swept-up in the fanfare that they hardly notice their parents leading them down a new kind of path, a bridge stretching into that pit. Some clutch to the handrails or their mothers in fear, but the elevator doors at the end slide open, and fascination overtakes them once again as they see through its windows and into the city below.

With the barrier spells peeled-away, the first thing they see are the lanterns, floating glass globes that sparkle and bob through the air. A few of them even bump into the elevator as it descends, passing houses that now hold them in nets to their outside walls. Each home is itself a work of art, carved out of the sides of the pit and layered with patterned tiles. Tunnels lead deeper into that solid rock, lit up on the edges like movie-theater aisles.

A balcony connects those houses, and the people who see the elevator pass by them look up from what they're doing to wave. Children chase each other; people read, study, and cook. An old man weaves shawls that glisten with magic whenever he passes his hands over them.

Somewhere, hidden deep out of sight, a staircase leads to layers of houses deeper in the cavern, where translucent window boxes replace many of the lanterns. A school stands resolutely at this depth, with thick-paned windows plastered with children's drawings. More families live here, sharing spaces deep in the caverns with cousins, grandparents, and family of friendship rather than blood.

Near the bottom of the pit is a town square, lively and welcoming. The shopkeepers look up from their wares as the elevator stops beside them, and the doors slide open.

Sunday, August 23, 2020

What cooking taught me about how I write

I've long thought that the creative gene skipped a generation in my family, especially considering that my family was always a bit traditionalist. My mother did much of the cleaning and child-rearing while I was growing up, but her and my dad shared the job of cooking. They both have their specialties, but you wouldn't know it from the burned frozen pizzas and hot dog bun garlic bread they've prepared over the years.

Just because I sometimes cook like that today doesn't mean I can't cook otherwise; a sentiment I know my parents would echo. I dream of the day when I can move out of these shitty dorms and have a steady job, and with the power of my own money (and also my own goddamn stove), I hope I can make art.

Why is there no lifestyle short of homemaking that allows a person to cook from scratch? It infuriates me to no end that with many foods, I can't even step away from them to check my email before I come back to find my skillet smoking. Here is where the similarities with my writing start.

The expectations of our society drain me-- on top of my existing depression-- and I find myself barely able to string words together for long enough to make a difference. Of course, this spirals out of my control, where I'm frustrated about how little I do in hopelessness-inducing ways.

I need my books again, like I need access to those good ingredients again, for art can't happen without materials. I've grown so disillusioned with the books I read when I was young, now that my mind is more developed and my eyes were forced open to the world. There can truly be no living heroes to a writer, for the same reason I cook from scratch whenever possible. The veneer of age protects me from the horrible aftertaste of both canned soup and JK. Rowling's transphobia.

Wednesday, August 12, 2020

Journal Post from 8.12.2020

8.12.2020: On Depression and Thrift Shopping

     I need to return to my passions, even though they seem miles away from where I am now. If I were more pessimistic, I would say that mental illness and trauma have made me a shell of a man, but I long ago chose to accept that calling myself such a thing would be reductionist at best and dehumanizing at worst. Even now, as I sit in my half-organized office space, I find myself at a loss for what the correct term for myself would be. I'm so goddamn disillusioned that my own brain is starting to look like a scam, and my love of science as little more than something encouraged in my growing brain for economic benefit.

    But at the end of the tunnel I see all these things that inspire me: the return to college, the end of my nightmarish dental procedure, and the knowledge that I donated so many childish things yesterday. Someone, somewhere, will be made happy by the things I no longer want, and for today, that is enough.